Thing to Do No. 7: Imagine the Things I SHOULD Have Said

Being pregnant apparently gives the the entire world license to make comments to me or about me. Where a normal stranger-to-stranger encounter might be met with polite restraint, a stranger-to-pregnant-person encounter is fraught with inane and invasive commentary. With six weeks to go, I am considering a campaign to change the world in this regard, and it's probably going to get ugly.

Scene 1: At the Hair Salon

Me: (To Eyebrow Stylist) Here's your check. Have a good day.

Eyebrow Stylist: (To me) Thank you. See you soon, and good luck.

Nosy Bystander Hairdresser: (Butting in) What are you having?

Me: (Curtly) It's a girl.

NBH: Have you picked out a name yet?

Me: (Brusquely) No. (Turning to leave)

NBH: (Pushily) Well, what are your top contenders?

Me: (Testily) We'll probably choose some sort of family name. (Jingling keys)

NBH: What are all the names you're considering?

*What I actually said:

Me: Oh let's see, Louisa, Shelby, Malynn, Truvy, and Annelle. We REALLY haven't decided.

**What I should have said:

Me: (With acid sarcasm) Actually we're really torn. What we've been thinking is that we would invite a bunch of hairdressers to the delivery room to help us decide. What are you doing at the end of October? We really need MORE people up in our business these days.


Scene 2: At the CVS

(I've made a run to the store ih the pouring down rain for ice cream. I'm checking out with two Nestle Tollhouse Cookie Ice Cream Sandwiches.)

Checkout Guy: Oh! Look at you! I couldn't decide if you were pregnant, but now I see that you definitely are.

Me: (Anxious to get home with the ice cream) Yes. What gave it away?

CG: The two ice cream sandwiches and you look a little pregnant. But you're the "good kind" of pregnant, you know? When you walked in, I couldn't tell if you was or wasn't because you don't have that waddle and don't look all fat. Yessir, you got the good kind of pregnant.

*What I Actually Said:

Me: Hmm. Have a good night.

**What I Should Have Said:

Me: Let me 'splain something to you Checkout Guy. There is no "good kind" of pregnant. Not where I'm standing. Ring up those ice cream sandwiches before I start shooting. (Need gun here for demonstrative effect)


Scene 3: At the Mexican Restaurant

Host with All Silver Teeth: How many?

Me: Three, please.

HWAST: (Cutely) Three?? Or three and a half or three and two-quarters?

Me: (Presuming he meant three-quarters) Three and three-quarters. (Sighing)

HWAST: (Showing us to our table) How much longer? Short or long?

Me: Short, I suppose.

HWAST: Oh, babies are ... (unintelligible Mexican-speak)

*What I Actually Said:

Me: Hmmm.

**What I Should Have Said:

Me: I hate you. Shut the hell up, and bring me a diet coke and some queso.